Dear Newspaper,
I guess its time for your Boozepaper edition soon. If I could ask one favour, PLEASE DON"T FUCK IT UP AGAIN!!! You get these pantiewaste pansies, which obviously have not had a decent beer in their life...Furthermorem your rating system needs to change. It should consist of: Look, Taste, Cost and Manliness (of course taste and manliness presiding over all)...
I know my beer and I take it very seriously, well that and jerking off to strangers as they walk past me. But once a year I take a break from that to read and critique the Boozepaper. Please don't waste my time
Yours truly,
Sir Ales Von Brewenstien
DEAR Sir Ales Von Beerenstien (if that is your real name),
We her at the Newspaper appreciate your interest in the annual Boozepaper. At this time, we would like to take a moent to touch on some of your concers presented in your letters sent to us in previous years. As most of us are still working off the hangovers from the tasting, we handed this job off to our photo editor, who has a relatively limited knowlefdge of beer, but is very, very nagry about most of the world in general.
First off, your concern that the "pantiwaste pansies" (sic) who judge the competition know very little about beer is not to be fretted about. As trained journalists, we have all experienced a number of intozicating substances. ,amy pf tje, various alcohol, and our psychiatrists can attest to this. Also, everyone knows that Coors is disgusting, and drankly, we were midlty hurt that your thought that we might enjoy such beverages. Please, we hope that you take the time to get to know us better in the future.
Second, judging a beer on "manlliessstisshit" is a flowed idea. What consitutes maliness, per se? Alcoholic content? logo design? Taste? Proximity to beaituful women? When requesting that we add a new section to the judging scale, it would be appreciated if you would also add in some criteria to go along. Also, although you have shown your disma for our love of Fruli a number of times due to it's lack of manliness, wouldn't the imbibing of Fruli by a guy truly be a sign of bein comfortable in ones manhood? Surelely, more respect must be paid for what can only be described as the Kool-Aid of beer and everyone loves Kool-Aid, right?
Also, I'd like to note that none of us are willing to take up your request to "have sex with a beer while covered in honey." Honey is very sticky, and may cause a yeast infeection, and I know that you would not wish that unpleasentness on any of our lovely editors.
We hope that in future, you might accept our olive branch of peace and come join us for one night of beer and friendship. And if all else fails, we can al just get really drunk together, no matter how awful the beer may be
Much love,
