Given, then, my role as the arbiter of good taste, and seeing as how all you folks entering or returning to residence now have DC++ at your disposal, here are some films you should have watched this summer instead of the tasteless ooze Hollywood offered.

Instead of Super 8...
John Carpenter's The Thing (1982)
I know it’s hard to remember, but there was a time before CGI, and in this mythical past the world had no greater champion than John Carpenter. Scary, intriguing, and action packed, this flick has one of my favourite opening sequences ever. And for God’s sake, see it before the remake is released.

Instead of Captain America...
The Dirty Dozen (1967)
I saw Captain America for one reason and one reason only: to watch Steve Rogers kill Nazis. Friends and neighbours, I was disappointed. Thankfully, I had the antidote on hand: The Dirty Dozen. It’s as merciless as it is timeless, and for bonus marks, find a friend who speaks German, and have him or her point out when the actors playing Germans are actually just speaking gibberish.

Instead of Conan the Barbarian...
Conan the Barbarian (1982)
In this, the Age of the Reboot, all too often we have only a vague idea of the older films being transfigured (for better or worse) before our eyes. Perhaps the creators of this year’s Conan knew this, and thought they could get away with their desecration of a cult classic. Take a stand, sportsfans, and stick with the original.

Instead of Transformers 3...
Literally Anything (1888-present)
You like robots? Terminator 2. You like car chases? Blues Brothers. You like Shia LaBeouf? Even Stevens. Seriously, folks, we have got to stop giving Michael Bay money. Whatever it was that compelled you to see this film, you can find it guilt-free elsewhere.