Gentlemen,

Occupy Wall Street has become a pandemic. From New York City to Rome, and now as far as Seoul, losers everywhere are taking to the streets to protest against… well... us, the captains of industry.

Last week, as you know, the movement reached Toronto. Thousands of lazy good-for-nothings protested outside the TSX on Saturday. Now many have pitched tents in St. James Park. As you may already have heard, my butler is among them. He hasn’t shown up for work in a week. I’ve had to dress, drive, and wipe my own derrière myself like a pauper. I suspect many of you are in similarly dire straits.

On my way to the office yesterday morning, I took a detour past St. James Park and caught a glimpse of the demonstration. I saw the protesters. The usual ungrateful plebs - tree-huggers, graying hippies, tweedy Marxists – and my own butler carrying signs saying:

“Eat the Rich”
“Crapitalism”
“What’s Next? The Guillotine.”

Let them eat (vegan) cake. The protest will peter out come winter, if it even lasts that long. As one of my American colleagues told The New York Times, “it’s a lot of sound a fury signifying nothing.”

It’s in the public interest, however, that we try to bring the protest to an end quickly. If we let these “global anarcho-crazies” (respectfully quoted: The National Post) continue to run amok, we risk losing even more of our servants. Soon we’ll have to cook, clean, and do other menial tasks ourselves, leaving us no time to create all that trickle-down wealth. Where would the world be then?

I propose we fight fire with fire and occupy Occupy Toronto. We’ll buy St. James Park and build a new bridge club there. We must defend ourselves against the tyranny of the 99 per cent majority. It’s time we, the wealthy 1 per cent, stand up for our minority rights!

Aristocrats of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your change!

Sincerely,
Rt. Hon. Geoffrey Vendeville, Sr. O.C., V.C., Q.C.