To the Fine Arts Department Chair Elizabeth Legge, we give a pair of earplugs in anticipation of our next kegger here at 1 Spadina Crescent. We also apologize in advance (read: extend cordial invites) to the Fine Arts Masters students whose creative process will once again be disturbed by our creative process next semester.
To the Dean of Architecture Richard M. Sommer, we give Mastering the Art of French Cooking. We hope Julia Child’s recipe book will prepare you for the numerous bake sales necessary to raise the tens of millions of dollars in funding for the faculty’s “very robust expansion” at 1 Spadina Crescent. Lest the building’s rich history be forgotten, we ask only that you bake a cheesecake in honour of Amelia Earhart (it was her favourite food), who first decided to fly here in 1918 while working as a nurse in the former military hospital.
To members of our students’ union executive committee, we present you with Breakdance Step-By-Step on DVD. The complete beginner’s guide will show you how to entertain people at next year’s Annual General Meeting, during the interludes in which any technical difficulties are sorted out. This means you’ll have to beatbox too, but 11 months should provide ample time to learn the proper form.
To the editors of The Varsity, we offer you the design expertise of our new staff member for eight days and eight nights beginning December 20, as we’re all familiar with your fondness for the newspaper’s design editors.
To the Unit 1 Members of Canadian Union of Public Employees (CUPE) Local 3902, we give our word that we will not show up for any tutorials from here on out in an effort to reduce class sizes. In the event that not all of our readers follow suit, we give to Chief Spokesperson James Nugent a pair of earmuffs to wear should he go on strike in the New Year. They’ll ward off frostbite during the frigid days on the Sid Smith patio and reduce the risk of permanent damage from the students’ vociferous cries of joy provoked by extended vacation time.
To President David Naylor, we give something extra special, but please refrain from unwrapping it until 2030. The anticipation will make you appreciate it more.
To the protesters who remain dedicated to the Occupy Toronto mission, we offer the spacious lobby of the Rotman School of Commerce building. It’s not technically public property, but it may be just the push the university needs to finish up that expansion. And it has indoor plumbing!
To Rob Ford, we hope you accept this spare pair of stockings in the event that the original pair gets a run in them during your cameo in this year’s performance of The Nutcracker.
And to our loyal readers, we promise another 13 quality issues of your independent weekly publication over the next semester.
Finally, to those of you not included in the list (i.e. disloyal readers), we invite you to articulate your qualms in a letter to the editor Santa Claus.
Happy holidays, everyone; we’ll see you in the New Year!
