Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, and if you’re anything like me (emotionally unavailable, laughs when people fall over, overall terrible human being), you probably don’t have anyone to spend it with (at least, not romantically). Instead of sitting at home reading your shampoo bottles, here are some alternative plans to while away the time on this most bleak and horrible of holidays!

  1. Order 17 pizzas and layer them over your naked body to simulate human warmth.

  2. Drink an entire bottle of pink wine and see how long you can last before calling up your ex. Do this with your other perpetually single friends and make it a competition. Loser buys more wine.

  3. Wait patiently for Feb. 15 to roll around so that you can buy up as many of the leftover boxes of heart-shaped chocolates as possible, as they are likely the only ones you will receive all year round. Aw.

  4. Stalk that one ex you’ve never actually gotten over and crash their date.*

  5. Adopt a kitten. Love it, raise it, send it to school, take proud parent pictures with it, and post those pictures to Instagram. Realize that this is the closest you will ever get to having a child of your own. Cry. Adopt 26 more cats.

  1. Play League of Legends furiously until your laptop gets really hot. Press the warm device to your chest in an attempt to revive your cold, dead heart.

  2. Hey look, Valentine’s Day falls on a Sunday this year! Go to church and reconnect with the god you left behind when you came to university.

  3. Go out to a fancy restaurant and occupy a table for two. Wait half an hour, then loudly lament the fact that your (nonexistent) date has stood you up. Graciously accept any pity food items, drinks, or numbers that are sure to come your way, you sly fox.

  4. Buy sexy lingerie, then set it on fire as a way to subvert the patriarchal paradigm.**

  5. Binge-watch Game of Thrones and thank your lucky stars that your love life will never be as fucked up as Cersei Lannister’s.

  6. Let your leg hair grow wild.

  7. Revel in the fact that you have the entire bed to yourself so that you can starfish formation the night away without accidentally throwing your partner off the bed. Hey, maybe being single isn’t so bad…

  8. Get mad at the author of this listicle for implying that you are somehow less of a person for not having a date to spend Valentine’s Day with.

  9. Go about your day normally like the badass, independent person that you are.


**Do John Green and Alaska Young proud!

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