April 20 - May 20
Your determination is one of your best qualities, but your persistence can sometimes get the better of you. This Valentine’s Day, remember, no means no.
May 21 - June 20
You are especially mercurial this time of year and your chronic indecision may make choosing only one date for Valentine’s Day quite challenging. ‘Cause you’re hot and you’re cold, you’re yes and you’re no, you’re in and you’re out … just make sure to use protection.
June 21 - July 22
Cancers are affectionate and loving, is how you justify yourself when your partner protests the incessant fondling underneath your parents’ dinner table. This Valentine’s Day, tone down the PDA over potpie and save the fondling for dessert.
July 23 - August 22
You’re a firecracker, Leo. You know you’re an extrovert; you’re sassy, sexy and you love attention...it also appears a new job is in your future! I hear Zanzibar is hiring.
August 23 - September 22
This Valentine’s day, tell that special someone how you feel about them. Don’t be shy; go all out! A sonnet, a dozen roses, a romantic dinner . . . save the unveiling of your secret photo collection of them for after the doors are locked.
September 23 - October 22
You flirtatious flirty-flirt you! You stop that, stop it this instant! It’s time to take a step back, Libra--what do you really want in a relationship? Also, stop hitting on my boyfriend.
October 23 - November 21
This is the worst time of year for you. You’re jealous, resentful and impulsive; and every February 14, everyone is reminded. Delete those embarrassing emails and pictures of your exes now, while you have the chance.
November 22 - December 21
Trust your intuition. Has it ever led you astray before? Forget those times so that my next statement may have some impact: invest in Pizzaforks. They are the future.
December 22 - January 19
Let’s be honest Capricorn, you’re boring. You’re practical and prudent—you are the missionary position embodied. Do something different this week. But don’t ask me for suggestions.
January 20 - February 18
The tide is changing, Aquarius; and I hope you have your water-wings. Seriously though, learn how to swim this Valentines Day. Maybe your instructor will be cute.
February 19 - March 20
It’s obvious to everyone around you that you’re a total pervert, like, 24/7. Mix it up a little and tone it down this week. Heck, maybe you’ll learn something about yourself in the process.