Valentine's Day: The Anti-Gift Guide Nick Ragetli and Aberdeen Berry

As Valentine’s Day approaches, some people feel the pressure to come up with the best Valentine’s gift ever. Others, not so much. If you find yourself in the group of people who are scrambling to end a crumbling relationship, read on. These five gift ideas are the beginning of the end.

The Romantic Dinner, ft. a special guest
When you don’t have a ton of money to spend on a Valentine’s Day present for your other half, you could always go with the more wallet-friendly option of cooking them a romantic dinner. The twist is, you’re not only going to surprise your soon to be ex-booboo with a yummy dinner and dessert, you’re also going to be inviting a special guest. Yes, that guest will be Jessica, your obnoxious sorority sister who doesn’t know who the Prime Minister is. Jessica has a special talent for clearing a room--use it.

Fake flowers
Nothing says I love you like a bouquet of flowers, right? But why shell out your hard-earned cash for something you could have picked yourself (if you were so inclined) when you can head on over to Dollarama and get a veritable cornucopia of flowers for less than what it costs to ride the streetcar? If you want to send a clear message to that stage five clinger that will hopefully be out of your life by February 15, tie the bouquet of flammable carnations with a shoe-lace.

Extra-large lingerie
Picture this: you hand your future ex-girlfriend a sizable, beautifully wrapped box that bears the delicate calligraphy of a particularly well-known lingerie shop. Her face lights up as she lets out that ever-so irritating squeal and tears off the ribbon, pulling out what is surely going to be that sexy nightie she was hoping for--oh wait, what size did I get you babe? What do you mean it’s two sizes too big? Are you sure? Relationship over. You’re welcome.

The Self-Gift
This gem works particularly well if you want to break up with your honey-pie because of his nauseating selfishness. You have to build up the anticipation gradually, hinting to your other half about how awesome this year’s gift is going to be. Next, have a good, long think about what it is you would really like to get this year. Is it a pink iPhone cover? Or maybe that Death Cab for Cutie album? No matter. As long as it’s something you’ve been ogling, it’ll do. The final step is to hand it over to your honey with as much authenticity you can muster. You’re going to need to practice your “But I thought you liked Ben Gibbard face” for a couple weeks in advance.

You’ve got to have the balls to pull this one off, because once you show up to dinner on February 14 with nothing but your keys in hand, you are really saying that you just don’t give a shit. Out of all the stellar presents on this list, this one is the most ruthless, yet the most effective. Once you reach a point in your relationship when you don’t even feel like walking two blocks to the dollar store to buy some fake flowers, you know it’s over. Happy Valentine’s Day.

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  • Subtitle: the newspaper brings you five Valentine's gift ideas that will guarantee a break-up
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