Such dangerously enthusiastic statements as “Isn’t it so great we’re roommates!”, and “I love you guys already!”, and are expected to rise to levels not seen since 1977. One professor proposed that perhaps this group smokes more pot than the preceding years, as that’s basically all he did in college, and he had a great time.
An informal survey conducted of the frosh exposed many to be disgustingly, pitifully adorable. “I definitely plan to get into med school early, volunteer in the Philippines, join a sorority and meet the love of my life. Oh, and maybe take up squash”, says Amanda, a particularly peppy UC student. Her new BFF, Amaya, chimes in; “I signed up for literally every club. I just can’t wait to learn!”
Surprisingly, the frosh were relatively mum on their views towards such first-year classics as failing economics, losing their virginity in a frat house, having their heart put through a lemon juicer, and developing an alcohol dependency. After much persistence, one subject finally caved and offered, “I just don’t see why you’re asking, that’s not going to happen to me.”
So much sincerity and positive outlook in the same place can lead to disaster, experts warn. Recent graduate Leo Anderson, explains. “Not everyone can succeed. Having high expectations of oneself and one’s peer group is guaranteed to result in disappointment. I was the unofficial beer pong champ two years running at UC and I had a 3.0. Now I live in a basement and sell people insurance over the phone.”
But even this sort of tough-love wisdom dispersed frequently and without solicitation at most frosh week mixers can’t save this bunch of bushy-tailed chipmunk people. Researchers have noted 12% more dew in the eyes of this year’s crop, coinciding with the significant rise in inappropriate eagerness, endearing naivety, and general good will.
Sadly, some students can never truly shake their positive attitude. “I plan to sell my kidney directly to OSAP, to cut out the middleman,” says Newspaper writer Vanessa Purdy. “That’s just the kind of business savvy I learned at U of T.”
In the hazardously happy words of 1T5’s unofficial spokesman, Big Pete, “This pizza is great! I love pizza! And I love my friends!” And may his joyous speech echo hauntingly through the halls of this fine institution.