the newspaper’s Definitive Guide to Leftover Holiday Chocolates
Now that the holidays have come and gone, many people are stuck with a mountain of chocolate that they received from “loved” ones, “friends” and family members who don’t care enough to buy something more personal or forgot and picked out a last minute gift in aisle four of the supermarket. Though the copious amounts of chocolate were once an appetizing consolation gift, in the harsh January light, the sugar Everest is daunting and unappealing. Luckily, we here at the newspaper have broken down the best, the worst and the ones you should bring into your shitty morning tutorial to gain (chocolate) brownie points with the TA and simultaneously hack away at the wall of chocolate.
1. Thorton's Star Collection
Truly, a bright star in the holiday chocolate game. This collection of chocolate has been described to me as “pretty good quality and very tasty” and is probably good enough for the average chocolate consumer and barely passable for a real connoisseur. This is the chocolate your snobby aunt gave you after presenting your better-liked sibling with an iTunes gift card. Perfect for a “how do I have a midterm on the second day of the semester?” panic snack.
2. Ghirardelli Peppermint Bark Squares
Peppermint is a holiday season staple, and no one does it like Ghirardelli. These squares perfectly balance chocolate and peppermint, tasting oh-so delightfully like candy canes and avoiding the toothpastey vibe that peppermint can sometimes develop. This is the chocolate your mom bought for the coworkers that she actually likes. Steal a package of these and descend into New Year’s resolution failure on January 2nd (it's worth it).
3. Lindt Truffles
These are the round red, yellow and blue ones that adorn every festive dinner party’s dessert table. While their colourful foil tricks you into thinking that you’re in for a high quality chocolate experience, popping one of those bad boys instantly gives you regret and drymouth. Though not the worst holiday chocolate experience, Lindt Truffles are fun in moderation and disastrous when trying to binge-eat after a failed “new year, new me” work out. Bring these into your shittiest tutorial to quickly get rid of them and win the affection of your classmates and TA.
4. Pot of Gold
Whoever named this was dead wrong. While this collection of chocolates does have some redeeming bits, it isn’t enough to balance out the garbage pieces. No one needs a vanilla cream filled piece of milk chocolate. This is the chocolate you bought for yourself because it was the cheapest and you ended up giving it away as a gift when you rolled up to a family member’s house empty handed. Eat the good ones and toss the rest.
5. Terry's Orange Chocolate
Why anyone ever wanted a piece of milk chocolate that tasted vaguely of rotten orange is genuinely incomprehensible to me but hey, somebody wanted it enough for Terry to make it. This disgrace of a chocolate is shaped like a “real” orange and you need to smash it to break apart the pieces. I have only ever been gifted with this once by my twelve year old sister who doesn’t know better and admitted it was a regift. The taste of pseudo-citrus haunts me to this day. Throw out immediately.
comments powered by Disqus