Elections have descended upon us, bringing a wave of false hope and normative statements. Canadians everywhere are agonizing over their ballot like it’s their “one swing” at a birthday piñata. For most university students, the piñata is Harper.


But here’s a few reasons why every party doesn’t deserve your vote.


THE CONSERVATIVES


If Dante was to conjure up the tenth ring of hell, it would be another term to describe Our Dear Leader. Before Harper, Canada upheld a modest reputation; we kept quiet, we were polite and we didn’t care if a woman in a niqab wanted to wear her face covering during a citizenship ceremony. Not so today.


He’s our Nixon, but perhaps even more hawkish. “Where do I send troops next?” Stephen thinks to himself as he handles his globes and strokes his F-35.


Harper and the conservatives are the ones behind the controversial bills C-51 and C-24, which have effectively stripped many Canadians of their constitutional rights. Harper has ignored student voices calling for lower tuition and marijuana legislation. Like an old man shouting at kids, he doesn’t care about anyone under the age of 50. Harper is more interested in “old-stock” Canadians.


THE LIBERALS


As consumer technology advances, it seems as if the Trudeau family has gone the way of the Blackberry. Justin’s got all of the looks but none the charm. He proposes that we raise taxes for the rich and give to the middle class. You know who else tried that? Stalin. Gulags coming to a Nunavut near you. #RealChange


Really though, Trudeau’s economic policy is a populist tactic right from the playbook of every every political candidate in North America. The idea is best on paper, especially when many of the “rich” people in question have a huge influence in federal politics.


In Parliament, Trudeau followed the Conservatives’ lead and voted for Bill C-51, which he claims he did “for the best interest of Canadians.” That’s a slippery response in the face of a bill which so fundamentally breaks away from the judicial values of this country.




THE NDP


It’s hard to differentiate the Liberals from the NDP. During the last debate it was like seeing two brothers separated at birth come together to realize they are in fact twins.


The NDP wants to decriminalize marijuana and the Liberals want to legalize it. The NDP and Liberals both support the middle class as the focus of their campaign. But Mulcair’s Beard has a firm stance against the Northern Gateway pipeline, a line that extends from Alberta to British Columbia. His opposition puts a crimp in his commitment to strengthen the economy. Although opposing the pipeline resounds with environmentalists, for western voters concerned with this economy, his stance is tantamount to clamping off a giant money-tube across The Rockies.



THE ELECTION


In conclusion, all three party leaders are extremely silly. However, who you should vote for is beyond me. Hell, I don’t even know who I’m going to vote for, if at all. One thing is certain though—despite opposition to Harper on campus, there is still massive support for Our Dear Leader nationwide. This election is important because it truly could tip in any of three different directions. If your vote ever matters, it will be during this election.

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