By: Mairi Chudyk
I’m a young guy with a healthy love of porn and a decent collection stashed away on my computer. But my long-time girlfriend is not a fan of this fact, and would prefer it if I never looked at porn. It makes her uncomfortable, and while I can kind of understand where she’s coming from, I don’t want to give up watching and enjoying it, as I don’t feel like it’s really a problem. I watch it while she’s not around, and keep it tucked away in the deepest recesses of my computer so that she never stumbles across it.
Here’s my other issue: Although I know my girlfriend is totally not into porn at all, I would like to work watching porn with her into foreplay at some point, but I have no idea how to bring this up to her. What should I do?
First off, before you broach the topic of making it a couples night, you’ve got to talk to her about why she’s not a fan of porn in the first place. Is it the depictions of sex? Does it make her feel jealous to think of you enjoying the thought of another woman? Does she find it degrading towards women? Find out why she’s against it, and then see if she’s maybe willing to flex a bit on the issue.
If she’s up for bringing some filmic fun into foreplay, let her choose the video for the first time. Try going to a store like Good For Her (175 Harbord) or Come As You Are (701 Queen W). They’ve got a good selection of stuff, including material from the Feminist Porn Awards. Try looking for something couple-oriented. If things work out, try it again, and perhaps take turns choosing various materials–or pick it out together. Don’t make it an every night thing, but more of an occasional way to spice things up, and be sure that both of your needs are being satisfied.
If she still stands firm on not allowing any porn in the bedroom, don’t fucking force her to do it. Don’t try coercing her into it, or just flipping it on while she’s around, just don’t. No shit like, “I bet you could do better!” or comparing her to any of the women in the movie. Relationships involve compromise, and sometimes that means saving the spank bank for times when you are alone.
As for her dislike of the dirty stuff, here’s where I play devil’s advocate: Unless it’s affecting your relationship in some way or you have an obvious obsession, she’s going to have to get over it for both your sakes. You should be able to enjoy your alone time as you please, and if masturbating to Jenna Jameson is your thing, go for it. It doesn’t sound like it’s affecting your relationship outside of her concerns about porn in general.
This article was originally published on our old website at https://thenewspaper.ca/the-inside/the-sexy-time/.