Roommate Horror Stories


By: Anna Bianca Roach



Turns out, those questionnaires you eagerly filled out halfway through the summer may not have worked out. But have no fear—the newspaper’s got you covered.


the neat freak


“Hey, could you wipe down the doorknobs later? I’ve just been doing them every day, and I’d like you to pitch in.” You wouldn’t mind Roommate’s pristine habits—if they didn’t hold you to their standards of tidiness.


You can establish some ground rules regarding cleaning. Find a few things you can do weekly that’ll make them feel better. Also: depending on the shape of the room, there may be a way to reconfigure furniture so Roommate doesn’t have to see your (relative) mess.


the child


Roommate doesn’t know how to cook. Or do laundry. Or handle their finances, or sign up for OHIP, or, it turns out, do anything that involves living without parents. You may have accidentally adopted a toddler.


Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Teach them how to google, and they’ll eventually stop having to ask you how to unfold an ironing board. I heartily recommend the snarky website let me google that for you (

M(r)s. Wrong 


There probably isn’t a human being on this entire planet whose decoration choices are less compatible with yours. Different strokes for different folks, sure—but Roommate’s strokes take the form of Justin Bieber posters on your bathroom door and excessive cologne.

There’s no escape.


Once again, try to move your room around so you don’t always have to experience Roommate’s taste in decoration. If that’s not the case, you can informally separate a room in two–curtains are an easy, cheap fix. It’s reasonable to ask Roommate to use headphones when you’re around, so long as you’re willing to do the same. At this point, it’s all about damage control.


the partier


It’s 4a.m., you just fell asleep, and Roommate & four of their friends giggle their way into the room. They collapse onto the floor, loudly shush one another, and will probably continue to drink and stage-whisper until the cows come home. This has happened four times since Monday.


Noise-cancelling ear buds are a solid investment (they’re not very expensive and they’ll carry through a variety of awkward life situations.) If that’s not enough, a non-aggressive chat might be in order: maybe they can go to someone else’s place on weeknights?


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